


Light and Dark

by kallistosasteron



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2016-01-02
Packaged: 2018-05-09 14:58:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5544266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistosasteron/pseuds/kallistosasteron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pangs of loneliness emanated from her to him and then back to her. As if they were talking. As if they were thinking together. As if they were one. She had completed and filled him for the briefest of moments. And just for a second, he was not Kylo Ren. He was darkness. And she was light. They were the force.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark

She lies on the ground beneath him, her dark hair stuck on her forehead smeared with sweat.

It’s cold outside, snowing once more as it was the last time. But inside, _inside_ there is no cold. There’s nothing.

Already the first time he had seen her, he’d realised something about her was different. Perhaps the look in her eyes, or the way she moved… something was _different_ and yet familiar. _Strange,_ but not entirely unknown.

Then he’d watched over her as she stood before him asleep, chained beneath his curious gaze. He’d noticed her beauty, and for a moment had solely focused on that… she was young, much younger than him, almost a girl… thin, so thin… small… she had felt so light in his arms…

_No._

When he’d finally entered her mind, he had found something in her which he had not expected. A solitude, an _emptiness_ like his own. And that emptiness had resonated inside him… and she understood him, though she would never admit it to herself, as he had understood her. He knew it. The scavenger girl from Jakku, that desert rat, had seen inside his mind, and she had _understood_.

How could that be?

How?

It made him angry. And yet, perhaps not.

The pangs of loneliness emanated from her to him and then back to her. As if they were talking. As if they were thinking together. As if they were _one_.

She had completed and filled him for the briefest of moments.

And just for a second, he was not Kylo Ren. He was darkness.

And she was light.

They were the force.

Just them.

After her escape, he had thought about her, again and again. He was angry. He was furious.

He had killed the others, all of them. Skywalker was somewhere far away, just an old man, and he would soon be dead too…

The darkness was spreading throughout the galaxy, but then she’d awakened. And he could feel her… he could feel her _constantly._

Perhaps he had always felt her… she was the light, she was the call… but now she’d taken the form of a woman. No. A girl.

And the girl made him whole. Like her light made his dark whole.

As he thought of her one day, an idea had slowly taken shape in his mind. And he had feared it… and he had believed it… and he had _wanted_ it. An old prophecy had once spoken of a chosen one to bring balance to the force. Some whispered it was Anakin Skywalker, his own grandfather, others that it was just a tale… and yet, there had to be balance. How could there be darkness with no light? How could he cast a shadow over the galaxy if no light shone behind him?

_And how can she be without me?_

Could they… could they bring balance to the force?

The idea was absurd. It enraged him.

Was it though?

He had played with the thought during his troubled slumbers, remembering how her eyes had shone with a curious light when he had offered to show her the ways of the force and how he had felt a powerful, invisible but blinding feeling emanate from her.

He had hated her for rejecting him then, the desert rat. He could have been her master and mentor…

And yet, for how long could she, when he could hardly reject her himself? Already her eyes had betrayed her when she had left him wounded and bleeding in snow and fire.

And so the thought kept on presenting itself to him.

Much as it did now.

She was at his mercy, his lightsabre casting a sickly, red glow on her skin.

_I should kill her._

_But what of us? What of what we are?_

_We are nothing._

But they weren’t.

Something, something else about her, which he couldn’t quite grasp, drew him to her.

_Different and yet familiar. Strange, but not entirely unknown._

“Do it, monster.” Her words cut him like a blade.

He gazes long at her, but remains still.

“Or are you too much of a coward? You murdered your own father, surely you won’t have any difficulties with me… I’m no one.”

_No one. Yes, she is no one._

“How dare you?” he asks.

She doesn’t reply, a feral look in her eye.

She is defeated, alone, but she will not show it. Her weapon is lying in some far forgotten emptiness below them, but she remains fierce.

_My weapon._

Why it had answered her call rather than his in the first place, he’d long wondered.

_I am a Skywalker. The lightsabre belonged to Anakin and Luke before me. But now it is mine. It belongs to me!_

“You are no one!” he half whispers, lowering his sabre, so that it almost touches her neck.

She hears him though and for a moment he thinks she looks betrayed.

_What did she expect?_

“And now you die…” he states, hoping there is no uncertainty in his words.

_And now I kill her. Destroy her. Before it is too late._

He lifts the sabre. It will be a clean cut. She will feel nothing.

_Destroy her._

_Destroy her._

_“Ben…”_

A voice he hasn’t heard in years calls him.

An old friend…

An old foe…

_“Ben…”_ he hears Luke’s voice again.

No. He doesn’t want to hear his words…

_“Leave me.”_ He states firmly.

_“You will regret your deeds. If you kill her, there is no going back…”_

_There has been no going back for a long time…_

_“You know who she is… you have known it for a long time. There has been blood between you, but blood there always was… she is my daughter. You cannot be without her… she cannot be without you…”_ he says.

And then his presence is gone, as if he’d never been there.

He looks at her and he can tell she’s heard everything. She knows too.

He takes a few steps back, confused and conflicted.

As he’s always been, ever since he can remember.

_Help me_ , he calls, not sure who can hear him.

And suddenly she stands and walks to him, leaving soft, shallow footprints in the snow.

_“What can I do? I don’t know what to do…”_ she whispers.

_“How could you?”_

And then her hand comes to rest on his cheek gently. It’s cold, like the ice beneath them and that inside his heart.

_“There is not only ice inside you…”_

_“Yes, there is.”_

_“There is also this…”_

She leans in closer to him and their faces are almost touching.

But she stops there, as if uncertain.

He makes the final step and kisses her, their frozen lips finding warmth at last.

And it’s just like when he’s inside her mind, when he feels her emptiness as his own, her pain, her suffering, her dreams, her… love.

Yes, it almost feels as if she loves him… but what does he know of love now?

He has deprived himself of it long ago, he has forgotten it, forgotten its soft caress and warmth.

“No.” She says suddenly.

She hold his face with both her hands, slowly stroking his cheeks.

“There is also light… there is light inside of you, I know it. Just… just let it in…”

“No!” he cries and a single tear falls from his eyes.

He grabs her neck, holding it firmly, but so as to not hurt her.

“Don’t you understand? I cannot! You have made your choice, you have chosen the light, and so now I must make mine… you and I, we… we will bring balance to the force. But there can be no balance if there is not also darkness. We were born to be one, but we cannot be one if one of us renounces our path… you were right, you could never be my padawan… you can never be mine.”

And it dawns on them both, that a cruel fate has fallen upon them… _one_ but separated, divided…

_“It doesn’t have to be like this…”_

_“I told you… we cannot turn back now.”_

_“You say we are one, but are we?”_

“We cannot be one, Rey… not like that.” It’s the first time he says her name.

“No… no, we cannot. But we are not the balance, Ben… the balance will come from us. _One_ will come from us.”

He is taken aback by her words.

Not moments ago, she called him _monster_ and now it is with the same monster that she wants to…

A child.

A child borne from them would be strong with the force, yes. A son or a daughter of light and dark.

He has never wanted to be a father, never wanted to become like _him_. Han Solo.

And yet the idea of…

He can see her small frame beneath her clothes, her narrow hips and long legs… her breasts…

He _wants_ her. He _aches_ for her.

What they could create in a single moment of careless bliss, makes him desire her even more…

_Unite the two Skywalker lines…_

He looks at her and is met by an intense stare and all that lies behind it, hidden but open to him.

He breathes in and whispers:

“Come with me.”


	2. Grey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who read/reviewed! Hope you enjoy the new chapter :)

It’s peaceful there.

A strong odour of roses and oranges fills the air with summer and promises, though autumn is close.

It’s his mother who’s visited the planet once and spoken about it with him…

But it was another life.

He was young, still loved. Still loving.

Curiously, when trying to find a safe location, a haven of serenity, where their secret could be guarded by ignorance, this is the first place that comes to his mind.

It’s close to the outer rim and here the republic, the resistance, the first order, seem legend…

_But war comes for us all…_

Still, for now, the planet had jealously guarded them for months, their words and sighs carried away by the warm breeze.

She lies next to him, sleeping peacefully, lost in a calm morning slumber.

He can’t sleep.

Sleep is one of the first things he’d deprived himself from.

_When you sleep you’re weak._

_When you sleep you’re not in control._

_And when you sleep… you dream._

And so he abandons himself to short hours of half-sleep, in a state halfway between the world of wakefulness and that of dreams.

That way, his mind turns only to dark thoughts, never to the light.

But in the past few months, when he closes his eyes, he is visited by her…

A small girl with black hair who laughs merrily.

She is only a ghost, but he _feels_ her.

The force is strong with her and she reaches out to touch him.

_“Who are you?”_ he’s asked her once, to no avail.

She runs away and disappears, like he’s never seen her. Like he’s never held her.

_Just a dream._

Rey moves besides him, her back stroking his chest, but then she remains still, carried off by some other pale charioteer into the world of the sleeping.

He remembers their last fight, in the cold and snow, the place where they’d started this blind folly of theirs.

He remembers her words…

_The balance will come from us._

The idea had made the blood in his veins run with desire and madness and without thinking, he’d brought her here the first time.

And he’d loved her. And he’d hated her.

He’d ripped her clothes and what a small thing she was without them, so thin, so soft…

She was strong and feline when she wanted, but beneath his hungry gaze, just a girl.

When he’d looked into her mind so long ago, he’d seen her life, every detail condensed in mere seconds, and he’d also looked upon her loneliness.

She had no one.

No one but him.

Even now, he likes to think.

She was clumsy, inexperienced and scared that night, her nails buried deep into his skin as he in turn buried himself deep within her.

He hasn’t been gentle, he knows.

But he wanted her and he was angry for it.

He’s angry still.

But now she fights back.

In their moment of abysmal connection, something else links them. The force.

And he’s never experienced anything like it before. Or after.

When he was younger, his needs and desires still untrained and unrestrained, he’s had other women, but never like this.

Rey is different.

With her, there’s a purpose which guides them in the darkness, not just lust and pleasure.

He needs her and he wants her, just like she does, because they’re shaping something in the sweat and confusion of their meetings.

His hand holds her tighter against him.

And he feels it.

The life growing inside of her.

It’s not been long and he’s not even sure Rey is aware of it, though he suspects she must.

They haven’t talked about it and it’s for the best.

The less he thinks of it, the easier it is for him to hide his feelings from Snoke.

The supreme leader is powerful and should he discover what’s happening, he would take her. No, _them_.

Already he is greedy for Rey…

No.

He will not allow it.

It’s Rey’s role to hold their child and watch it grow.

His is to protect them. And in order to do so, the best he can do is stay far from them, in body and thought.

People make choices. And they’ve made theirs.

Still, a deep and forgotten part of him suffers for it.

He will never see it, he will never feel its weight in his arms…

But after all, he tells himself, he’s never wanted that.

_I won’t be like him…_

Disappearing would cause the child pain, nonexistence on the other hand…

An unfamiliar moistness covers his cheeks but he quickly wipes it away.

_I’m not weak._

He must not be.

Now that they’ve done what they’ve done, there is no going back, there is only _passing_ on.

Soon he must leave her.

One day, he will skip their meeting.

And then another, and another… until she stops coming.

He will keep her out of his mind and forget.

And she will forget too.

_Let her recover in the arms of Dameron… or FN-2187. What’s it to me?_

He pretends not to notice that pang of jealousy inside him.

But the jealousy always finds an outlet, no matter how much he tries to hide it.

He enjoyed wounding the traitor as he enjoyed torturing Dameron, though he hadn’t met her yet then.

But the anger falls upon her now.

And then her fury meets his in a dangerous dance.

“What are you thinking about?” her voice suddenly interrupts his thoughts.

“Nothing.” He grits his teeth slightly.

“You…” she turns around to face him. “You… are thinking about Poe and Finn.”

“It is natural to think of your enemies.” He states.

_What kind of enemies?_

She frowns slightly but says no more for a while.

“What sort of world do you think it will be born in?”

He turns to look at her quite suddenly.

“I know you’ve felt it too.”

How can he deny it?

He only wished they wouldn’t touch the subject.

So he doesn’t answer.

What will it matter to him? The child will be far, out of his reach…

“Why don’t you want to talk about it?” she asks, irritation in her voice. “You were quite happy to go along with the plan until it suited you!”

And now she’s unleashed his anger.

Again.

He grabs her by the neck, like he does so often.

“What use is it? If not to cloud my thoughts, so that Snoke can pry into them more easily? Don’t you understand?”

His hold on her tightens.

“I _will_ keep you safe. I won’t let him touch you. Or her.”

“Her…?”


	3. Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update but I'm back home and have been busy with family and all... enjoy this chapter and let me know your thoughts!!

He hears a loud cry far off.

It’s a woman.

No, a girl.

He wonders if it’s real or just trick of his mind.

She’s _gone_.

He told her to go.

_It’s just a trick, just a trick…_

The world is starting to darken before him, as though it hadn’t been dark enough…

He’s dying, he knows it… this time there’s no way out, no last minute rescue. No one can save him…

But he’s done it. He’s done what he had to do… it’s over.

_Snoke is gone, I am no longer of any use to anyone._

Suddenly, though all sound seems cushioned and his vision is blurred, he feels a sharp pain inside of him. It’s not his wound, it’s not in the body, rather in the mind.

_Her_ pain.

She appears in front of him, like a ghost.

_But I’m the ghost here_ he thinks bitterly.

“Ben…” she says, her eyes sparkling with tears, like the day he killed his own father.

_Ben is gone. He was weak, so I killed him…_

It’s like one of those rhymes they teach children and he repeats it to himself every day, lest he should forget.

“Ben…” she says again, kneeling beside him, her hand falling on his shoulder.

He turns his face towards her slightly. She’s crying.

_Such a little girl…_

She hated him and now she weeps for his death.

_I’ve just been a passing darkness through her life. But she’s the light, she’ll go on…_

A part of him wants to comfort her from her sorrows but he can’t bring himself to. He’s spent too many years restraining his emotions and now he can’t let them out anymore… they’re just locked.

Locked once and for all now.

He simply brings his hand to her cheek and caresses her softly.

She leans into his touch for a moment, but pulls away too quickly.

He feels betrayed for the briefest time, but she quickly removes his black glove and brings his hand back to her face.

Now he can fill her skin, soft and fragile like porcelain, and the iron beneath it.

She’s strong. She’ll go on.

_She must._

After all, he is leaving their legacy with her.

He thinks of their daughter then, how small she is, all black hair and green eyes.

He’s seen her once and for this he’s glad. And he’s torn apart…

Now that it comes to it, he doesn’t really want to leave her. No, he wants to watch her grow, wants to show her the ways of the force… she is so powerful, even now.

He thinks of that stolen night when he couldn’t sleep, troubled by Rey’s pain and cries in his head during childbirth and how he’d secretly left and visited her… he’d stormed through the base, glaring at whomever stood in his way and then he’d held her and how strange he’d felt, the weight of his world in his own arms…

But who is he fooling?

He could never be a father. Just like _his_ father before him.

He’d rather never see her again than face her eyes full of hate for him every day.

She would hate him, he knows…

He’s seen too much. Done too much.

There is blood on his hands…

And yet, a small voice in his head keeps on telling him that no, he doesn’t know. Perhaps she would love him, perhaps she would…

Her mother did.

Rey, the little scavenger… rat of the desert, walker of skies…

He gazes at her still, but by now his vision has grown so blurred and dark, that she looks more like a single point of light, than a woman.

_A girl._

“Don’t go… please…” she murmurs.

And suddenly he’s in a desert and he watches a tiny girl sob and cry. It’s her memory, the one he saw once… she replays it in her head a lot. And they do share the same mind, after all.

_One._

“Please…” she says again, though he feels there is no hope left in her this time.

_Why was there any hope in the first place?_

He’s lost it long ago…

Everything he does, everything he is, is a lost cause… he’s never been able to do anything quite like he wanted to.

He wanted to love his mother and he failed. He wanted to be like his grandfather and he hasn’t succeeded. He wanted to…

So many desires… so much power… but nothing.

_I did something right, though… her… she is the balance and she was born from me._

Perhaps there’s a small sense of pride in that. She is a part of him. He moulded her, he breathed life into her…

A sudden, sharp pang of pain in his chest reminds him that it doesn’t matter anyway. He is leaving… not living.

Rey’s sobs seem to intensify and he tries to tighten his hold onto her face, as if that is his last thread connecting him to life and he is trying his very best not to let go of it.

“I love you.” She says.

He frowns a little, but the ghost of a smile appears on his face, just the slightest twitch of his lips.

“I know.”

And just like that, the moment is gone, lost in the void of time.

He could have answered. But now it’s too late…

Kylo Ren does not love. Ben Solo did. Once… but he’s destroyed.

And his chest burns now… his skin is on fire, his bones broken, his heart is blackened and beating so slowly, he hardly feels it.

“Tell me…” he murmurs. “Tell me of the lake and flowers and oranges…”

His mind is pure chaos but the thought of those afternoons on that far, far planet comforts and calms his storm… like a boat, ondulating down. He just needs this last ship to sail away into silence…

And she talks… she talks and remembers…

And he closes his eyes.

And then his hand on her cheek becomes cold.

And he lets go.


End file.
